What if...

Aug 4 Gratitude List

2007-08-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

1. Thank you for writing the book Loving What Is, Byron Katie.

2. Thank you for writing the book The Genius of Stretching, Bob Cooley.

3. Thank you for being in my life, John (my partner).

4. Thank you for being in my life, John (my friend).

5. Thank you for being in my life, Kira (my daughter).

6. Thank you for being a part of my life, Austin (my relinquished son).

7. Thank you for being good in-laws, Bob & Karen and Ann & Carl.

8. Thank you for the beautiful day outside.

9. Thank you for good friends and the freedom to go and visit with them.

10. Thank you for the bounty of the life I have around me.

Aug 3 Gratitude List

2007-08-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

I'm changing the format of my gratitude list somewhat. I want to include "thank you" in it, so I'm going to start stating it as "Thank you for..."

1. Thank you for bringing John into my life.

2. Thank you for my beautiful daughter.

3. Thank you for my wonderful home.

4. Thank you for my dear kitty.

5. Thank you for giving me plenty to eat.

6. Thank you for the magnificent weather outside today.

7. Thank you for the wonder of life, and for showing me how to live it more clearly.

8. Thank you for the motivation to exercise more regularly again.

9. Thank you for the friends in my life.

10. Thank you for bringing me closer each day to a place of peace within myself.

Interesting dream

2007-08-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

I had a strange dream last night. I don't usually share them, though I typically remember most of them each night. This one has some odd elements in it, and although it sounds like a bit of a horror flick, it oddly had no negative feelings associated with it at all. To the contrary. Anyway, here goes:

I am standing on a ledge of the ruins of an old monastery located in a swamp. Across a green, verdant river is a city. With me are other members of my team; we are snipers (and some of them not very good ones, might I add). While we are taking out targets robbing someone in the city on the "outer bank," the woman beside me gets shot in the head. I shoot the robber who shot her, and then pick up her body and carry her off of the ledge.

Now, oddly, there is nothing horrific about this. I feel sad, but I also feel that there is something beautiful in the death of this woman. She died while saving the lives of hostages, and she died while saving the lives of her fellow "snipers." I get a sense that she is a bit of an annoying person, but that I liked her and got on with her quite well (though everyone else hated her).

So as I carry her inside, I realize that she's aware. She's dead, but her "soul" is now awake and alert and ready for death. She steps aside, out of the dead body, and watches me carry her off of the ledge/balcony.

Then all of the living head out to take baths in the clear pools that can be found in various areas of the swamp (the swamp is not a dark, ugly swamp- it is a more like a beautiful wetland, a very cheery and vibrant place). I find one of the pools and am swimming in the clear, cool, beautiful water. Suddenly I hear singing, and I look up to find my friend singing to me. None of the other people in the pond can hear her.

I'm a little embarassed, because the words of the song make it clear that she thinks I'm a hero for carrying her off of the battlefield, and for the way that I honored her death. I want to ask her to stop "singing my praises," but I can't because others will hear me and not know who I'm talking to.

The whole scenario repeats three times in a row, though now she simply "re-enacts" her death each time that we're on that ledge... and then comes and sings to me at the (different each time) pond that I am bathing at.

It was strange, but oddly enough, not negative.

I don't really have an interpretation, I just found it to be a highly interesting and odd sort of dream.

July 30 Gratitude List

2007-07-30T03:40:00.000-07:00

1. I am so grateful that John is a such a great dad and partner- reading about other men reminds me of how great John is, how helpful and considerate, and how hard he tries.

2. I am grateful for my beautiful daughter.

3. I am grateful that Austin is part of my life.

4. I am grateful for my sweet kitty, Song.

5. I am grateful for family visits (John's grandparents came up from Florida).

6. I am grateful for cars.

7. I am grateful for the ease and convenience of getting organic food in this area.

8. I am grateful for exercise.

9. I am grateful to feel alert, awake, and energized in the mornings.

10. I am grateful that I have a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood.

July 29 Gratitude List

2007-07-29T03:02:00.000-07:00

1. I am glad I am still nursing Kira

2. I am happy to be with John

3. I am grateful for the good friends in my life

4. I am honored and happy to have Kira in my life

5. I am happy that I have pictures and video of Kira

6. I'm glad to have Austin as part of my life

7. I am thankful for the beauty in the world

8. I'm glad it rained yesterday

9. I am happy that there is so much good in my life

10. I am glad that I am happy

July 28 Gratitude List

2007-07-28T02:46:00.000-07:00

1. I am grateful for my dear, beloved John.

2. I am so happy to have my daughter in my life.

3. I am enjoying exercising each day.

4. I am pleased with the results of my exercising thus far.

5. I am enjoying good food.

6. I am enjoying good health.

7. I am grateful for my beautiful home.

8. I love the neighborhood I live in.

9. I am grateful for my in-laws and how generous and loving they are.

10. I am grateful to live in America and enjoy freedom of speech.

My daughter's birth

2007-07-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

When my daughter was born, it was such an amazing and wonderful moment. When I first heard her dear little voice, I said, "Oh my god, she's here! She's here!"

When I saw her sweet little face for the first time, I cried so hard. "She's so beautiful! So beautiful!"

I shouldn't be, but I was amazed at the incredible, indescribably beautiful feelings that I experienced as I looked at her. What a beautiful treasure. How magnificent. How delightful.

How beloved.

July 26 Gratitude list

2007-07-26T03:07:00.000-07:00

1. I am happy that I discovered oil pulling. Lots of interesting things have happened since I started it- including all of my plaque fell off. The dentist said my teeth are as clean as if I just had my cleaning yesterday. He was, of course, convinced it had nothing to do with oil pulling, though.

2. I'm so grateful to have my daughter, and grateful that I need never think of myself as an infertile person again.

3. I'm so grateful to have John in my life.

4. I am grateful for dear, loving friends.

5. I am grateful for John's family, who so adore and treasure my daughter.

6. I am so happy that I can offer my daughter a life so different from my own.

7. I'm grateful for exercise and good food.

8. I'm happy that I have a beautiful home, a nice car, and live in a great neighborhood.

9. I'm happy that it's still summer, my favorite season of all.

10. I'm glad that I am surrounded by beauty and my home is peaceful and clean.

Strange things I like

2007-07-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

I noticed that I have some odd "likes."

I like the foam on top of root beer. I like to try to "drink it" before it goes away. Then I belch a lot, and I don't even mind. Yes, I'm sure that's more information than anyone wanted or needed.

I like brushing my teeth. Or more specifically, I like feeling all over my teeth right after a good cleaning- they feel so smooth and fresh and nice.

I like cleaning the toilet bowl. Or, again, most sprecifically, I like the change in the toilet bowl from dirty to clean... the pale color that appears on the second day after cleaning vanishing through my own efforts. Gratifying, in an odd sort of way.

I like that feeling I get after I've taken a Motrin for a back ache, and all of a sudden I realize my back doesn't hurt anymore.

I like getting a new decoration or useful item for the house that matches "oh so nicely" with everything else.

I like the smell of clean laundry. I like the neatly folded stacks of laundry, all laid out in a row beside each other, awaiting delivery to their dens- be they closets or drawers.

I like the sound of rain on the house, and I like thunder. I like the howling of wind in the eaves of ancient buildings.

I like watching my daughter sleep. I like her graceful beauty and childlike charm. I like her graceless attempts to walk, and I like the pride I feel when she stands for long moments unsupported.

I like it when my cat nibbles at me while I'm petting her. Though the outright biting, I can do without.

I like the sound of running water.

I like the crackling of a fire, I like the warmth of sitting by a hearth, I like the smell of wood burning. I wonder if my daughter will get to experience these treasures.

I like the stars, twinkling down at me at night, and knowing that no matter where I go, Orion is always with me. The only man who never, ever left me- so far (though John's making headway there).

I like the changing of two of our seasons. I could do without winter, though; and I could live with an eternal spring (the end of it, just before it becomes summer). But if there must be seasons- and there must- I enjoy watching them turn from one to another.

I like brushing my hair. It is long and I like that a lot. Though I think I should cut it... but I procrastinate because I do so love it long.

July 18 Gratitude list

2007-07-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

1. I am grateful for showers, and the clean beautiful feeling after them.

2. I am enjoying my computer today.

3. I am really happy I have a dishwasher.

4. John bought me some orange juice- I love both the gesture, and the juice.

5. I'm so happy that Kira and I have an excellent nursing relationship.

6. I am glad I still fit in my Rennaisance bodice.

7. I enjoyed some TV last night. It was fun and relaxing.

8. Of course, I am so happy for Kira and John.

9. I love John's family.

10. It looks like it will rain today. I love storms.

Gratitude list July 17

2007-07-17T06:57:00.000-07:00

1. I am happy that I live in America

2. I enjoy freedom of speech

3. I am glad that society is making headway in realizing that Men, Women, and Children are people, too

4. I am delighted to be re-reading some of my favorite books (Anne McCaffrey's Dragons rock)

5. I am enjoying my clean house

6. I have plenty to eat- and it tastes good, too

7. I have a wonderful home

8. I have a magnificent partner

9. I have a wonderful daughter

10. I have a beloved son

11. I have delightful and true friends

12. I am happy to have a beautiful home in one of the best neighborhoods in our city

Gratitude list July 16

2007-07-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

1. John and I had an excellent talk this weekend, he is wonderful and I am honored to be with him.

2. Kira is here, and that is a tremendous blessing in and of itself.

3. My home is beautiful.

4. My home is clean (mostly), thanks to having visitors this weekend.

5. I am so glad that Kira will have grandparents who are so interested in her life and who like so much to see her.

6. I love having our "small wonder" to carry everywhere and take video with- even if it does drive everyone else nuts.

7. My cat is so loving and sweet.

8. The sun is shining, and the grass is green.

9. We got some needed rain this weekend.

10. Everything is working together towards good.

Daily reminders to do the work

2007-07-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

I ended up letting my feelings get deeply hurt. I made a choice that led me to a series of events, the final outcome of which was that I was returned, on an emotional level, to when I was a kid and getting pelted with snowballs for being stupid and useless.

I've been struggling lately with self worth, trying and not succeeding, to regain some of it. This incident reminds me that everyone in your life is your mirror. If you look into that mirror and see someone who believes you to be unworthy, who believes you to be without value, then that is your own thought process.

This has brought up so many feelings for me. Inadequacy, fear, shame and humiliation, alienation, loneliness, unworthiness... and of course, these are MY feelings for which I must take responsibility.

Here I sit, though... prefering to do the dishes than to face my own feelings. I would rather vacuum clean floors, eat myself into a stupor (and I'm not an eater), clean the catbox again, and wash clean laundry... than face my feelings.

I am plainly overwhelmed. I am also shocked by the fact that one incident could bring so much up for me. Indeed, the problem is that I felt I was among friends one moment, and then among enemies the next. Yet every part of me knows that this is just my own mirror reflecting back at me.

They remain the same beautiful and magnificent people as they have always been. I have no judgment towards them at all. A thing that surprises me, but also delights me. Because in the past I would have held blame towards "the mirror," but I hold none this time. It is foolish to blame the mirror when the goofy hat is on your head and not in the mirror.

It was, however, the reminder I needed that my sense of unworthiness still exists very strongly. It is also a reminder to come back into my life. That I had allowed my thoughts to become lost in one particular aspect of my life. That the balance was gone. So I have chosen to eliminate the possibility of engrossing myself in that addictive aspect again.

I would like to say that I feel freer now, but really, I feel very sad. I have gotten past the tears and the sorrow, though. I am deeply grateful for that. EFT works, when you do the work. The Work works, when you do the work. I had let myself wander away, and I have given myself the wakeup call to return.

I appreciate the messengers, despite the pain of the message brought. Pain is the catalyst for me to change, to growth. It is, as Byron Katie (author of the Work) says, "[what] tells you that your thinking is contradicting reality."

July 10 Gratitude list

2007-07-10T06:21:00.000-07:00

1. I am grateful that I had a painful incident that helped me clear up some of my thinking. I was very hurt by what I felt was a false accusation. Upon further examination, this really helped me to clear up my thoughts. Though in the opposite way that it was meant to do, I think.

2. I am grateful, of course, for my beloved John. Last night, as I lay next to him listening to him breathe, I realized that I need to make a better effort to show it to him.

2. I am so happy to have Kira in my life. I am looking forward to improving my parenting on a daily basis.

Note: Yes, i really can count, but that #3 just wants to be a 2 so badly that I can't bring myself to change it for a 3rd time. Two typos in a row and a wicked strong urge to leave it = leave it.

3. I am so happy that I am doing some baby laundry. I feel better already.

4. I'm very grateful for fresh produce. Particularly this morning- granny smith apples. Kira and I are greatly enjoying this one.

5. I am grateful for the beautiful and wonderful friends in my life.

6. I am grateful that it rained yesterday, and probably will again today.

7. I am happy that Kira slept through the night last night.

8. I am grateful that Kira has been so healthy. 1 bout of allergies in 8 months is her only illness.

9. I am happy that Kira's room turned out to be so lovely. I painted it with a heavy mask during the hottest months of the year last year while pregnant.

10. I'm so happy and grateful that it was easy to come up with 11 things to be grateful for!

An open invitation

2007-07-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

If you would like to, feel free to post your own gratitude lists as comments.

Knowing others are posting theirs would help motivate me to continue posting mine on a more regular basis. I get lazy and don't always type them out, but I like to do it instead of only writing (doing it twice helps to "cement" it into my somewhat dense brain).

July 6 Gratitude List

2007-07-06T07:22:00.000-07:00

1. My dear beautiful child, who even now is refusing to take a nap, which actually makes me happy. That way I can finish up some things I wanted to accomplish and take a nap with her later. I could use one.

2. My dear John, who was so sweet to me this morning as he was leaving for work. He is truly just a genuinely GOOD man. I love him and I am so happy to be with him.

3. Clean sheets. There is something sweet and pleasant about clean sheets.

4. The office, and thus my immediate area that I spend a good portion of my day, is also clean and organized. I feel so much better when it's like that.

5. My nursing relationship with Kira. It took long to get it established, and now I treasure it as I watch her sweet little face while she nurses.

6. There's nothing on TV, so it won't distract me from other things.

7. Classical music. I love classical music. I blare it like most people blare rock or rap. Go figure that I'd be such an odd duck. But there's something soul-lifting about classical music. Dancing around the kitchen to Beethoven while washing dishes is very meditative.

8. Organic, healthy food. I love it. I just enjoyed some rice based "ice cream" (dairy intolerance unless it's raw). It was great.

9. I'm not pregnant. I know it sounds strange, but yeah. I'm glad not to be pregnant and not to be having periods.

10. Another stunningly beautiful day today.

Loving What Is

2007-07-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off getting into Byron Katie for a long time. I have to be honest, watching her videos http://www.thework.com/thework.asp#top (on the right) sort of annoyed me. I'm not sure why, but at the time that I watched them, they were just obnoxious to me.

But I've actually watched them all the way through now, all of them, and she's grown on me.

So I got the book. I had read one of her books a long time ago and hadn't been able to make "The Work" work for me. Though I can often get it to work for others. Not as often as EFT www.emofree.com though.

I'm excellent with the combination of EFT and the Sedona Method on myself, except that some things like my adoption issues just cling like burrs. I continue to work on the adoption issues daily, though, and while it might surprise others; I feel the grip of the pain beginning to slip.

Gratitude List July 3

2007-07-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

1. My daughter, of course. She is so lovely, so sweet, and truly an amazing thing. She was unexpected, but so, so welcome. She's also incredibly intelligent. She has intense focus and drive, even at 8 months old. She constantly watches people, solemn and curious. She is wonderful, and I am honored and delighted to be her mother.

2. I am grateful for my son. I love him very much, as well.

3. No day can go by without me being grateful for my magnificent husband.

4. It is a bright and beautiful day outside, and the flowers are blooming all over the neighborhood.

5. I got a new book today. I am enjoying reading it and learning. Byron Katie's Loving What Is.

6. I enjoyed an Italian Soda from the bookstore today. (that sounds strange to say)

7. I got almost a full night's sleep.

8. I realized today that I have a quality to be proud of. I am persistent.

9. Kira has learned to "dance" to music.

10. I watered the plants, which are still alive (and believe me, given my history with plants, that's something to be grateful for!)

Today's Gratitude List

2007-07-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

1. I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband. He is so considerate. Yesterday morning, he took Kira (the baby) and let me sleep in- a repeat of the day before. I have been really wanting to sleep in lately, and haven't in months aside from a day here and there when he did this. Two days in a row felt positively decadent!

2. Of course, I adore Kira. After so many years of infertility, I still often look at her with tremendous awe and wonder.

3. We have a beautiful, beautiful home.

4. My cat is the best on the planet. (You can try to prove yours is better, but trust me on this one- you're wasting your time)

5. I love my green car- it's exactly what I always wanted.

6. I have plenty to eat, a wonderful home, plenty of clothes, the bills are paid... all the necessities are met.

7. I have had inspirations lately to create, and I love to create things.

8. I can see the stars at night here.

9. When I get up for Kira's 4 am feeding, I can hear the birds, and I love that quiet, peaceful time of just sitting with my magnificent child and listening to the birds.

10. The sun is shining, it is a spectacular day.

Gratitude lists and Gratitude Goals

2007-07-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

Gratitude lists: These are real.

Gratitude goals: These are real... before I die.

The "What if" game, and how it works

2007-07-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

On this blog, you will find a lot of "daydreams" written out as if I am experiencing them currently. This is my form of goal setting, and also of improving my mood.

I won't bother to go into all the science behind the benefits of writing your goals in the present tense. Suffice it to say that basically, your subconscious likes it and understands it far better than "someday."

So, this is how I goal-set, have fun, improve my mood, and otherwise improve the quality of my day (even if it does nothing for my over-all life).

This is, in essence, my "self improvement" space.

The Deaf Man and the Man Who Could Hear

2007-07-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

One day, a Man Who Could Hear met a Deaf Man. The Man Who Could Hear told the Deaf Man how sad he was for the poor Deaf Man, how much of life he was missing. They spoke a few minutes longer, and suddenly the Deaf Man began to cry.

Confused, the Man Who Could Hear asked him, "Whatever is the matter?"

The Deaf Man replied, "I am so sad for you, all the parts of life that you are missing!"

The Man Who Could Hear was confused, "What do you mean? I'm not missing anything, you are! You have never heard the music of Beethoven, or heard the lark sing!" He listed many beautiful sounds, becoming ever more sad for the Deaf Man as he spoke.

The Deaf Man watched him speak, reading his lips patiently and taking in all that he said. When the Man Who Could Hear finished his list, the Deaf Man responded.

"This very morning, my friend, I sat on my porch and watched the sun rise. When did you last see the sun rise?"

"Well, I don't recall," responded the Man Who Could Hear, "I'm usually at work before the sun comes up."

"Ah," the Deaf Man said, "that is a very reasonable reason to miss the sunrise. Just this afternoon, I walked outside and made snowballs during my lunch break at work. When did you last take a walk and play with the children?"

"I am a very busy man, I cannot affford to play with children. Besides, I would look rather foolish playing with snowballs in a suit!" the Man Who Could Hear said.

"I see," the Deaf Man nodded. "Those are very sensible reasons. I must say, earlier today, I ate the most delicious cheesecake. It was at the Cheesecake Factory. Have you ever been there?"

"No," the Man Who Could Hear said, "I am on a diet, cheesecake is out for me until I've lost 20 pounds. Doctor's orders, you know."

The conversation continued for a few minutes. The Deaf Man recognized the reasonableness of each reason presented by the Man Who Could Hear as to why he did not or had not done various things.

At long last, the Deaf Man said, "This is why I am so sad for you, friend. Because you have 5 fully functioning senses, but you do not take time to enjoy even one of them."